Oh Canada...

So, here is another interesting story from my life.

We were cooped up at home during the COVID-19 pandemic like everyone else. My parents were visiting because we had our second baby in January 2020, and everything started shutting down. My parents were supposed to leave in mid-February but got stuck in the US until May 2020. In April 2020, my parents lost their beloved pet cat. Right after that news, my grandma started having serious health issues. My mom was so worried that something was going to happen to her, and she wasn't going to be able to go back. They finally could leave in May and made it back home safely (after some quarantine time and whatnot.)

My mom was able to help my grandmother with her health issues and be by her side. In August of 2020, my grandmother had a stroke. We were constantly on the phone checking on her when she was hospitalized. There was a 3-way traffic of phone calls - me to my parents, my brother who is in Canada, and my parents to both of us.... it was hectic and weird and sad and depressing. (Mind you, I had an almost 2-year-old and a 7-month-old during this time, and of course, no daycare, no school... all 4 of us were stuck at home.)

So on August 8th, on her 3rd day of coma, my brother called, and he only nodded. I knew what he meant right away. My grandma was no longer with us. To make it more transparent, my grandma was the only living grandparent we had at the time, and all the others passed away a while back. So, our maternal grandmother was a staple in our lives. She especially shared a special bond with my brother. So, you can imagine our despair.

Anyway, when I heard the news about the nap time of our daughters, I went downstairs, screamed, cried, sang the song she liked the most, and kept crying. My ex was napping with the girls upstairs. I came back up and do not recall if he ever said anything about it. I don't remember if he hugged me or not, said if he was sorry or not. I don't think he did, and if my memory is correct that he didn't, it wouldn't surprise me.

The new school year started with hybrid classes, masks, and many new things to adjust to. Girls kept staying home from daycare due to COVID cases and whatnot. So, it was a very rough time for everyone. As we managed all this turbulence, around July 2021 (I think), my mother called and said my brother was very depressed with everything that had happened. My sister-in-law called and said that their grandmother's passing was hard on him; he wasn't happy with some work-related stuff, and they had some troubles with their twin boys, so he was in rough shape. He was angry and depressed and needed a change, etc. Around that time, we had my in-laws visiting (help with the kids since they kept closing the daycare, and we got to see each other since we hadn't seen each other for a year.) When I heard the news, I shared this with my ex and asked him if his parents would be willing to watch the girls for a couple of days, and we could fly to Canada to visit my brother and see how he is doing, as I was worried. He said he will ask.

During dinner that night, he brought it up. They asked what was happening. I told them, and they didn't respond to anything specific, which is understandable. They were planning to leave in a week, and we basically asked them to extend their stay. They said they had some yard sale things in their community that they were responsible for, so they didn't know how it would work. So we just kept thinking. I wasn't in any shape forcing them or my ex. I want to put it out there because this was just a casual discussion on what could be done if anything could be done. Anywho... the conversation started taking shape in the following way: we would also drive with them back to NY, stay there for a week or so, and celebrate my ex's birthday (which has already passed, but he wanted to do something with his family and friends), then head to Canada since my brother was in Montreal at that time and the drive would be about 4 hours from where my in-laws lived. Everyone was trying to get out, especially with last year's COVID debacle. It seemed like a good idea, so I agreed, and we started packing. I wasn't looking forward to a 3-day drive with the kids and our dog, but I was excited to do something different and see family that we couldn't see due to COVID.

We arrived in NY. My ex had a back issue, so his dad gave him this small gadget that he could stick on his back, and it delivered small voltage for the muscles to make him feel better. It looked like it was working. Then, on the yard sale day, we decided to visit the community park where everyone was set up with our girls and their cousins. It was a short walk from their house - as they live in a village with 1,000 residents, everything is pretty close. On our way there, my ex twisted his leg on the gravel road and said his knee was also hurting. So, now he started using that small gadget on his back and knee. He was limping a little, too, so we kept telling him to rest. We went and walked around the yard sale, bought a handmade tie-dye shirt for our 2-year-old, said hellos, met with some of their family friends whom I hadn't seen before, and even met his nieces' daycare teacher who apparently heard a lot about me from the girls, etc.

We came back home. I took the girls upstairs for their nap, and that was that. I assumed my ex was resting due to his knee pain. About an hour later, my daughters and I came downstairs to find my ex cleaning his sister's car.... and I mean cleaning... He has been working on it, detailing it since we got home, and you should have seen it. He is carrying stuff out of the car, wiping it, washing it, bending over, standing up, and making any movement you can think of with a smile. I asked him if he had rested his leg, and he said no. He said, and I quote, "These types of things help me. I enjoy doing it. She is a busy mother with three kids, so I am helping." I said ok, but don't push yourself, and I left it at that. Everything was okay; dinner was OK. So, all good.

The next day, during breakfast, the conversation about when to do the barbecue started. If I remember correctly, they set it up for that day. The yard sale was on a Saturday, and the barbecue/gathering with friends and family was set for Sunday. Initially, my ex started talking about his grand plans for grilling for everyone, cooking, buying supplies, where to buy supplies etc. Mind you, there were going to be 25-30 people there. I told him with his knee, and back, we should order pizzas and a cake for him. He shouldn't push himself too hard because we will still drive to Canada. He said he was okay and that he could do it. He will enjoy doing it. I said I was unsure about it, so he should consider it. After a while, I heard him and his mother talk about the barbecue and they were discussing where to order pizzas for the party. I was about to say, oh good, you changed your mind, but before I could say it, his mother told me, "he wanted to cook for everyone, but I told him we could order pizza. It is too much work otherwise, so he changed his mind." I told her I told him the same thing, but he didn't listen. I am glad he listened to you. So, all good still.

I took the girls upstairs for their nap time and while they slept, I was trying to get some work done for the new school year which was about to start in 2-3weeks. My oldest woke up earlier and went downstairs to play with her cousins and I saw from the window that some people also started showing up. My youngest was still sleeping and since our room was in the attic of the house, I couldn't leave her alone. I was ready to join the party anyway so I took my oldest downstairs, quickly said hellos, then went back upstairs to wait for the youngest and also get some work done.

More and more people showed up, youngest still sleeping. I think everyone was there when she finally decided to wake up. I got her dressed and we went downstairs. I was happy to see everyone, munched on some food. Chatted. My ex is in and out bringing stuff, talking nonstop, happy, cheery so everyone is having a great time.

As the day progressed and people started leaving, his sister's husband came to say goodbye as they were leaving. We hugged and he asked when we were leaving for Canada. I said we will probably leave tomorrow or the next day so couple of days. He said oh ok cool. Wished me safe travels and they left. As it became darker out, only his closest friends were still there. They disappeared at some point and it was getting late for the girls. I am trying to be engaged and not rude so I stayed around, helped with clean up etc. I wasn't sure where they were or when they were coming back. Finally they showed up. My ex looked drunk-ish. I couldn't put my finger on it really. He has an alcohol problem so he stopped drinking (or so he told me) but his eyes were blood-shot, he was slurring his words and he acted like he was drunk. I asked him if he had alcohol... he said no and brushed me off. I said girls need to sleep so I am going upstairs. I said goodbye to his friends but I was somewhat worried that he either had alcohol and lied to me and they would continue after I leave or it was something else that I missed. (Believe me, now writing and thinking about it, it can't be any more obvious he was high but at the time I had no clue he was smoking weed regularly plus I don't have experience with it since I never used it.)

With an uneasy feeling, I went to bed. I don't know when he came to bed at night or when he woke up because he was already downstairs and having coffee when I woke up with the girls. Everyone exchanged good mornings and what not. I was searching for information on COVID restrictions or requirements for Canada, we were just chit chatting about Canada trip etc. No one has said anything to me at the time, nor did I feel any different "vibes" from anyone. After I fed the girls and had my breakfast, and chatted enough with everyone (which I didn't like to do very much because it was usually gossiping about their own daugthers and their husbands and how crappy they were and this is a story for another time), I said I will go upstairs to organize and start packing a bit. Everyone said ok. Girls went to play with grandma, and I went upstairs.

I turned on a show I liked and started watching/listening to it. I started getting our stuff together and putting things in the suitcases - things that we would use that day and the next probably, things that could stay in the suitcase until after we came back home, things we would use in Canada, things we would need during our drive to Canada, etc.

As I am doing all this, I heard footsteps coming up to the attic. I didn't think much of it. So, I continued folding and whatnot. Then I heard his mom say my name. I responded and walked towards the stairs. I wish I could draw a picture here. It is a tiny, wooden, spiraling staircase with an opening on top, like a mini balcony overseeing the base of the stairs, the door that provides privacy, and whatnot. So I walked towards that opening while his mom was half way up the stairs, on the landing after the first flight of stairs. So, I was looking down at her from up top, and she stopped when she saw me and didn't go any further (they usually did that since it was our "room" and it was our privacy.)

I smiled as usual and said "yes". She had this look and had this anxiety all over her face and body that I could see right away, So, within a second, I knew she wasn't here to ask me or tell me anything ordinary. Within that same second, I thought something happened to the girls and she was coming to tell me we were either going to the hospital or girls wanted me..... Just to give you an idea of what I am seeing, imagine someone who is very nervous that their voice shakes, body shakes, you feel the energy and it almost gives you a little goosebump, just spit it out energy... that is what I was seeing. So try to read the conversation below by imagining someone who is very nervous and very angry and trying to confine the anger but it shows by a shaky voice, rapid head and hand movements, doesn't know where to look or what to say at certain times... That should give you an idea and make you as uncomfortable as it made me during it.

She started talking..... I don't think you guys should go to Canada.

I was dumbfounded. I am thinking "what the f&%# did I just hear?! She continued talking...

X is very tired. His back hurts, his knee hurts. How are you planning to go there? Who is going to help you with the girls when you are there? He can't help you. Your brother already doesn't help. Your sister in law has her own kids. May be you should just leave the girls and X here and go by yourself.

She pauses for a second, looking for a response, I am quiet and just looking at her.... and all I am thinking is..... who the f%$&^ are you to tell me what to do? This is something my husband and I should be discussing. But, without much pause, she continues...

He is so tired and all you focus on is your own family. I have never seen my son this bad and you don't even see it. You are just focused on your own family.

She stops. I am still quiet. She continues..

I don't know what you are thinking... pauses.... waits for a response.... and I finally say... okay, well, I need to talk to X.

Then she says well, he doesn't know that I am here talking to you, but you can tell him if you want. I just wanted you to know and leaves.

But oh my.... she crossed a boundary....... a big one.... a major one..... who the hell are you to come all the way upstairs, "technically try to corner me" with this little idiotic blurp, can't even hide your anger while talking to me and get even more upset when I say I need to talk to him.... with a tone implying not you.....

She leaves.. I am fuming. I sat down for a minute to collect my thoughts and as I cleared my head, I decided... I wasn't going to Canada... oh no.. instead, I was packing right now to go home or to a hotel. I wasn't going to stay there for one more minute.

I texted him to come upstairs. He did. I told him what just happened and I said we are leaving... now... He started yelling at me......

I CANT CONTROL WHEN MY EYES WATER UP. I TALKED TO MY SISTER'S HUSBAND YESTERDAY WHEN THEY WERE LEAVING, HE SAID SAFE TRAVELS I HEARD YOU WERE LEAVING TOMORROW AND I WAS SHOCKED. I THOUGHT WE STILL HAD A WEEK OR TWO HERE. I tried to interject here and tell him not to yell at me as everyone could potentially hear from downstairs and it was becoming very uncomfortable and scary. He didn't care and continued.

I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE LEAVING THAT SOON. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND NOW WE ARE LEAVING FOR CANADA. IT JUST TOOK ME BY SURPRISE. MY BACK HURTS, MY KNEE HURTS. SO DOWNSTAIRS WHEN I HEARD WE WERE LEAVING, I JUST SAT DOWN AND TOLD MY PARENTS I WAS EXHAUSTED AND MY EYES WATERED UP. I CANT CONTROL THAT.

He finally paused enough for me to say....

Well if you were in that rough of a shape, you should have talked to me and tell me something. You cleaned your sister's car - you didnt need to. You tried to cook for everyone - didnt listen to me but finally your mom got to you but then you didnt stop serving and moving around all day yesterday.

He cuts me off..

OH YEAH AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU COME TO ME AND ASK IF I HAD A DRINK... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME... I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR BEING SOBER FOR A YEAR BUT THEN YOU CAME TO ME AND ACCUSED ME.... IT HURT ME A LOT.

I tried to tell him I wasn't accusing but he looked drunk but he didn't care what I was saying. At that point he repeated, i cannot control when the crying will show up and I said, the moment you feel it, you come to me. Cry in front of me.. noone else. so, anyway, we are not going to Canada but we are going home. The whole point of this trip was for Canada. We didn't even think about taking a trip this year. All I wanted was to fly for a couple of days to see my brother to make sure all was good and come back home. This NY trip happened during the discussions. You knew this was just a short stop on our way to Canada. But now, we are leaving now... start driving back home and find a hotel to stay the night.

He insisted we go to Canada, he said you are right. We can't abruptly leave. I said no we are leaving. He said okay let's stay for one more day and then leave. I reluctantly agreed - don't know why... then that was it for the time being.

I called my parents to let them know of the situation. They asked why the change and they also figured something was off from my face and voice. I shared what happened. They were not happy... They didn't like the fact that she interjected herself between a husband and wife and their decisions but they also didn't like the fact that I was canceling Canada although I was only 4 hours away and my brother was excitedly expecting us. They said take a couple of days, cool your head then make a decision. I said ok and left it at that. They didn't want me to leave and go to a hotel as they didn't want X to be in the middle of this with his family and me so I stayed upstairs for a while. During this time, he already told them we weren't leaving for Canada, we were staying for couple of days then heading back home. I didn't realize that. So when I went downstairs, his mom is all upbeat, definitely relaxed more, talkative etc... unlike her usual self from I can tell. She is always a neurotic, nervous, anxious wreck who constantly sniffles and wipes her nose with a crumpled up tissue in her jeans all day long... nervous tick i think.

Anyway, I packed and organized regardless then what my parents said made sense. Why was I punishing my brother for someone else did... so, I looked for COVID testing centers to get the paperwork for entry to Canada. Once X came back upstairs, I told him he is right, we can go to Canada and here are the testing centers and we should go get tested tomorrow morning and we can leave the next day. He agreed and that was it.

That evening, we started having dinner. Everyone is in a good mood, chatting, joking as if no issues were there. Towards the end of the dinner, X casually puts it out there, we are going to Canada. We will get tested tomorrow and hit the road the following day." I cannot even describe it for you. His mother's demeanor and the speed it changed. She stopped talking, started sniffling her unexisting mucus, stopped eating, stopped joking. I am not kidding, I felt like someone turned on a fan and blew on us. She couldn't look at me, just couldn't do anything. I thought to myself, well, hopefully this will teach her it is not her decision but ours.

Anyway, dinner is over. His dad takes the dog out because X's knee hurts. His mother rushes after him and starts talking nonstop. His dad comes back in. His mom disappears. I help clean up the table then take the laundry basket upstairs. They thought I was gone so his dad proceeds to say "your mom is not happy about this Canada trip." X says, it is fine I am fine. His dady says "well she is not happy. just saying." Then X mumbled some stuff and I continued going upstairs.

We got our tests done the next day. Packed. Spent one more very uncomfortable day with a very unhappy mother in law who couldn't even look me in the face due to her anger. Then the following day. I got everything ready and carried it downstairs. He said goodbye to his dad. His mom was nowhere to be found... I didn't care. On the contrary, I was pretty happy not being forced to hug her and say goodbyes, etc. Plus, if she was going to act like this and not say goodbye to her son and granddaughters it was her choice.

X didn't seem to care either which was odd so we got in the car then I asked him.. Did you say goodbye to your mom? He said yeah, I saw her before she left. She said goodbye to me and the kids. I said oh, ok good. So, it was just me she was running away from... which I did not give a flying f%$# about. :)

We had a great time in Canada. Celebrated my daugther's 3rd bday with my brother. Went about the city of Montreal without X as he said he had work to do. But looking back, I am so glad he didn't come with us and ruin those memories by being in it.