Happy New Life

Like the category heading, this will be about the life after becoming single again.

I was adamant about not marrying, not even dating, when I went through the divorce. I even thought about going and talking to "to-be-married" couples not to do it. If I saw a bride in her beautiful white gown, all I thought was, "Poor girl, she doesn't know what she is going into. She is so happy now, but that happiness will be sucked right out of her." Because that's what I thought marriage was. Unhappy, getting through the day, constant guilt for doing something wrong throughout the day, week, month.... You get the picture.

When I obtained the protection order and kicked him out of the house, I initially had a hard time. I was asking to myself "what now", 'what do i do", "where to go from here". It felt weird, but change always feels weird, I guess. In the last 9 months or so of our marriage, he moved downstairs, so there was an unspoken division of space in the house - upstairs was my domain, and downstairs was his. So, I didn't go downstairs for a while when he left. Not because I was upset that he left but more so because I still felt his presence down there, and it made me feel uncomfortable. Everything he said and has done would circle in my head. So, to avoid feeling how he used to make me feel, I didn't go downstairs unless I really had to.

After a couple of months, I had a routine in my life. I was trying to adjust and accept the fact that I wasn't going to see my kids for 5 days after my 9 days with them. So, the day he picked them up and the next, I would be in a haze, and then I would snap out of it. I would start doing self-care and catch up on chores. Then, I would get my babies back for 9 days. Focus on work and them and repeat everything when he retakes them. So, as I was going through my days, I started to feel better and better and better... I began to feel happier and happier and happier. I started to find peace - inner and outer. The house I used to escape from has started to become my safe haven again. I cooked what I wanted, I watched what I wanted, I slept when I wanted, I woke up when I wanted.

As I adjusted to my new life, I realized he was also blocking us from good relationships with our neighbors. He kept making excuses and claimed that "they were not up to our standards to form relations with." Thinking back now, I don't have a specific answer for why I didn't push back. I know why I didn't try to form relationships with them. Whenever I tried, I had pushback from him. For example, our next-door neighbors had a fire in their home. As neighbors should do, we (other neighbors and I - he was not involved in anything) tried to help however we could. Not that it is much, but I gave them a $100 Target gift card while they were renting a place. I thought they may need to buy small items that they lost in the fire. So these neighbors, once they had the chance, invited us to the hotel where they were staying at the time for a pizza party to thank us. Everyone they invited attended, including my kids and me, but he didn't want to come. The same neighbors invited us to their daughter's high school graduation. I wanted to go, but he said the party was at a church, not our scene. So we ended up not going. These two are the most memorable ones for me, but they showed a pattern. In any event, I had to make up an excuse for him for not being there, which also put me in an awkward position and since he is my "husband", by association, kept our neighbors away from us.

So when he was finally out of my life and my house, I realized I was seeing my neighbors more, talking with them more and on one occasion, cried on one of their shoulders when my kids went to him during his parenting time. I was having a community. I was finally building my community and my support group without realizing it.

One of our neighbors has many granddaughters - 3 of which are similar age to my kids. These kids started visiting my house, playing with my kids outside, and having a blast. We were becoming a big neighborhood family. That's exactly what I wanted for my daughters -being able to play outside, socialize, learn how to be a good neighbor and a good citizen and be kids.

About a year into building my little community with my neighbors, I took my daughters to the pool at the YMCA on a Sunday, came home, went for a bike ride with them, and by the time we came back home around 4 pm, we saw that my neighbor's granddaughters came over to visit and they were playing outside. So, we got off the bike, and the girls asked if they could play. I said yes, pulled out a camping chair, and sat in the garage as the girls played in the driveway.

As I was sitting by myself, watching the kids play, after a while, I realized that one of the granddaughters was the one that I wasn't too familiar with. I saw her here and there but her and her parents (I wasn't too sure at this time which was whose child), didn't visit my neighbors often.

After a while, I saw that kid's father walk toward my house. He was my neighbor's son. Initially, I thought he was coming to call his daughter back to leave. He kept walking; I thought he was coming to say hi and ask me where we got the Barbie camper for my kids (another dad did approach me asking that question, so that's where my thoughts went right away.) He came over; I stood up, greeted him, and exchanged pleasantries. I was getting ready for the question, "Where did you get the camper?" as it looked like he was getting ready to ask me a question. I was right; he did want to ask me a question, but not about the camper. Instead, this is what he asked: "I heard that you are single now." I am not kidding; I almost answered him, "My mom bought it as a birthday present from Walmart," because I was preparing to answer the camper question. I did not expect anyone to come to me with such an inquiry. Mind you, I came back from the pool and the bike ride, so I wasn't winning any "good-looks" awards either.

Anyway, I said yes - going through a divorce. He said, "So you probably are not ready for a relationship." I said, "Not right now. I am looking for friends to build a friend group with, but nothing romantic." He asked, "How old are you?" I am not going to lie; I was a bit taken aback by that, as you don't ask a lady's age, but I told him I had just turned 37 4 days ago. He said we were the same age. He asked what I do for a living. I told him I teach at the university. He said he is okay with being friends and getting to know each other if I am okay with it. I said sure - to be polite. He took my number, and he went back.

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to think or where to go. I tried to keep it cool outside and sat back down, but I was itching to go inside to release the shock, so after 5 minutes, I told my kids it was time to go inside. After some protest, we went in.

As we walked inside, the girls took their shoes off and rushed to find their tablets. I couldn't be more relieved to have tablets for the kids then because all I could do when we came in was go into the kitchen, lean on the kitchen island, and whisper to myself, "What the hell was that? what is going on." Because earlier that day at the pool, another single dad also made some moves that I successfully thwarted by pretending to help the girls go down the water slide, but this one was too direct and open. There wasn't a place for me to "go help the kids" with something as they were just in my driveway, and they were all safe and happy.

As I was mumbling to myself, I heard my phone ding. It was a text message from him saying, "Hi, it is me," so that I could save his number. I said hi back, put my phone down, and started focusing on preparing dinner. I didn't think much of it after returning to my routine.

I didn't realize that day was the start of my happy new life.