Talk About It?

(Trigger Warning - Sexual Content)

When you are in the middle of a very high conflict relationship, you do not realize that whatever they are doing to you is gaslighting or manipulation. You think you are being a good wife because you are trying to please their nonsensical "suggestions" or "requests" and to be mindful of your kids.

I stayed quiet during arguments so that my kids wouldn't see us argue—this made him think that I was weak and he was right to be mad at me.

I forced myself to have sex with him because he told me that his aggressive behavior towards our oldest daughter was a function of not having enough sex.

I stayed quiet when he accused me of being a doormat to my daughters' every whim because he was right. After the fact, I only realized why I did everything the girls asked for.

Kids were being kids and when things did not go their way, they whined, cried, threw a fit. I bet this happens in every household. What was different in our household was when the kids threw a fit and started crying, he couldn't handle it and he threw an even bigger fit and guess who was at the receiving end of it - my girls and I.

We even went to a child psychologist thinking something was amiss with my daughter's fits because it was really ruining the peace in the house. The psychologist could not identify anything abnormal with her - she didn't exhibit ADHD symptoms or any other psychological issues. But these visits made me see something else.

I was in a vicious cycle. Kids threw a fit and got loud when they didn't get their way. In turn, my ex got even louder and started unleashing his wrath on us. So, I did what the kids asked for as quickly as possible to stop them from crying and whining so my ex would stop yelling at us. The unfortunate part is that my kids learned they will get their way when they cry because mommy did it right away. They did not realize Mommy was trying to protect everyone.

When the psychologist told us to ignore a fit when there was one, I started doing that. Our psychologist also said, "Remember, when you start ignoring, initially it will get worse, then it will get better."

So, one morning, I got ready for work and woke my daughter up. When she saw that I was already dressed, she started throwing a fit (we went through a jealousy period). When she started, I initially tried to reason with her, telling her that I had to go to work, so there was nothing I could do about the fact that I was ready for work. She wouldn't care. She continued crying - loudly. I started ignoring just what the psychologist said. I went to get my other daughter dressed. My oldest still cried as I dressed my younger one and brushed her hair. At this point, I heard thumping footsteps approaching us from downstairs. It was my ex rising from his lair. He heard the cries from downstairs, got annoyed, and came to interfere. He started by aggressively asking my daughter what the problem was. He didn't get a response except for continued cries. He tried again and tried to tell her to stop. It didn't work. Meanwhile, thankfully, knowing his behavior, I turned on my voice recorder and started recording the exchange because I knew it was imminent; his aggression would be pointed at me at any moment. He aggressively left the bedroom, went into the kitchen, couldn't help himself, aggressively (to a point in a childish manner) walked back to the bedroom, and started yelling at my daughter. I still was focusing on doing my younger daughter's hair. When he realized nobody was paying attention to him, he started yelling at me, "Why is she crying? Are you going to do something about it? She has been crying for half an hour." I said,d "I am doing something about it. I am ignoring it. You should, too." He said, "You are ignoring her! She is your daughter. She has been crying! Do something. BE A MOTHER!" I tried to keep my cool and said, " I AM being a mother and doing what the doctor said. You should do it, too." But there was no reasoning with him. He started yelling about how spoiled she was and how useless I was and thumped his way back downstairs.

My girl was still crying, but less loudly at this time. I finally went to her and asked if she wanted me to help her get dressed. She said yes and stopped crying. We started getting ready, and I thought all was good until a minute later, we heard thumping footsteps approaching us again.

He barged into the bedroom started yelling at my daughter:

"you stopped now? Do you see what you are doing? You could easily stop crying. You are spoiled. This is manipulation!"

Then he turned his aggression to me. "See, this is what she is doing to you. She is manipulating you."

At this point, I couldn't take it anymore, so I told him to leave. I said he should go back downstairs and stop talking. He yelled some more and thumped his way back downstairs. Both my daughters and I got ready and left to start our days.